How to Prime Sex Desire in Relationship

I have a book that has been relegated to the back bookshelf and forgotten for years in storage. Strangely, it manages to resurface long after I swore I toted it down to Half-Priced Books. Like an errant, faithless cat, it’s back in my lap. The Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices by Brenda Love is the curious person’s peek into the kinky, kinkier and downright freaky. It’s the Ripley’s Believe It or Not of sex.

I could write blog after blog on the glut of fetishes but I’ll attempt to avoid my tendency to indulge in distractions and get to the point. We all know anything and everything can be sexualized, I personally became privy to the world of the fetishist years ago while working as a pro-dom.

My boyfriend and I create practices that help us maintain sexual polarity in our relationship and keep things fresh and juicy. We’ve updated and revised a formal practice from an archaic Jewish observance called niddah, which we discovered in the Brenda Love’s encyclopedia. Niddah demands 11-12 days of physical separation in married couples. The forbidden days of intimacy begin on the first day of a woman’s period and continue for seven days after it ends.

The husband in that period should not even touch her even with his little finger. He is not allowed to hand her anything to her, be it even a long object, nor receive anything from her.” Wait it gets even more outlandish and strict! “He is not allowed to eat with her at the same table, unless something separates between his dish and hers. They are not allowed to sleep in the same bed. She is forbidden to pour water for him, to wash his face and hands and he is not permitted to scent her perfume or to hear her sing.

Weird? Strange? Sexist? Yeah but, possibly brilliant? Niddah reportedly came into existence because Aaron, brother of Moses, got complaints from the ladies that their husbands demanded sexual servitude at their whim without reciprocation or appreciation. It’s not uncommon for women in tribal cultures to separate during their moon. “Moon” is my personal moniker for “period” because period is about as unsexy a word as vagina.

Nevertheless, we decided to have some fun and turn a rigid discipline that perpetuated ludicrous Old Testament nonsense (like the uncleanness of bleeding females) into a hot sexy game.

To begin with, our revived niddah doesn’t have anything to do with my menstrual cycle. Our niddah is an imposed period of sexual abstinence. Yes, you heard me right, no orgasm or intercourse, but we don’t abstain from hugging, kissing and connection. We like to instate our niddah before special play dates for a minimum of twenty-four hours. Our average niddah is two days because my boyfriend is a horn dog.

Some Orthodox Jews praise the tradition testifying to great matrimonial passion. Jeez, I’d hope so, they’re only having sex two weeks a month!

Three reasons to incorporate niddah:

  1. It builds sexual charge.

    Keeping sexual polarity electric in a relationship requires effort. Like the negative and positive charge in batteries, and the north and south poles of the earth, humans also have a natural magnetic attraction between the masculine and feminine. We often depolarize tending to the mundane tasks of the day. Regardless of gender and sexual preference one partner must expand into the feminine flow and shine while the other partner deepens into their masculine essence characterized by presence, stillness and decisiveness. Use the time of niddah to dive deeper into your sexual essence and create a stronger arc of polarity between you.

  2. The thrill of anticipation is an aphrodisiac!

    There is a documented rise in testosterone in men who are anticipating sexual experience. And I love sexual build up, it’s sexy and erotic!

  3. It’s fun.

    Conspiring and collaborating with your beloved builds trust and intimacy. I cherish the spiritual-sexual practices my lover and I have established. It’s keeps the mojo alive!


Three suggestions to get the most out of your niddah practice:

  1. Planning.

    Have a scheduled date to end niddah and set aside a couple of uninterrupted, kid-and-device-free hours. Don’t plan to end your abstinence after a long work day when you may be tired; for this reason afternoon delights are my favorite. It doesn’t take a lot of time to light a few candles and put on some sultry music. Make a ritual of it, start with a bow and undress each other slowly—one garment at a time. Wash each other’s feet. Scent her perfume. Don’t you just love that.

  2. Praise.

    Tell your partner how utterly beautiful and ridiculously sexy she is. Let him know how much your treasure him. Words of praise and adoration are one of the primary ways we give and receive love. Practice giving and receiving compliments and devotion.

  3. Qi.

    The benefits of conserving sexual qi (energy) are amazing, from stronger erections and orgasms to a sharper mind and enhanced memory. Consciously build up your sexual qi while niddah is imposed and keep it moving in the body, but don’t release it! When niddah is over the play date is on, practice riding the erotic edge. Retentions are a Daoist longevity practice of bringing yourself to the edge of orgasm and stopping. It is also referred to as edging.


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  • Garden Tender

    Your Post is well-written, well-researched and informative. Thank You! I am familiar with the regimen that You described and I have found it to be an invaluable and Transformational Practice when Going Deeper with My Beloved. Blessed Be and Thanks for Sharing Your knowledge and experience.

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