My Dirty Little Secret

Not too long ago I made a facetious comment on Facebook on porn spam. Flippant comments are never a good idea. I got spanked. My, “I hope it was good porn ,” remark was not appreciated. Silly? I thought so. But I, of all people, understand Facebook isn’t the place to share opinions on alternative sexuality. This is why I blog and try to tone it down on social media, if not avoid it all together.


Yet this brief interaction spurred a plethora of thoughts. Why would such an innocuous comment spark such fury? Surely for one of any number of logical reasons. Porn, like marijuana, can be a gateway drug to more insidious, nefarious cravings. I certainly smoked pot before I moved on to heroin and cocaine. But I did a lot of kinky shit before I ever watched porn. In fact I was sort of anti-porn for a long time after being in a relationship with a partner with porn addiction.


We all have our buttons and our issues and I had obviously hit on one. The Facebook lady’s anger may have originated from a painful personal experience and I don’t want to deny her that. But coming from a long history in the sex industry I’ve also noticed people are quick to judge, stereotype and lump into categories things they don’t fully understand or fear—especially taboo and controversial topics like porn.


Sex-workers—exploited. Porn—BAD. BDSM—abusive. And, on and on and on.


I’ve made it part of my personal mission to debunk some of these stereotypes.
Not all sex workers are uneducated, drug-addicted, sordid nymphomaniacs—only some of us. Not all porn sucks. And BDSM community leaders do everything possible to educate newcomers and weed out the assholes who do not honor negotiations and safewords and are truly abusive.


Porn isn’t really my thing. I’m good with the one-minute free clips on Did I say Oops. Yes, I confess, if I’m looking for porn, it’s certainly not going to be vanilla. And according to statistics, I’m not alone. Whew!


Are you a woman who likes hard-core porn? And do you think you’re bad or something is wrong with you because you do? If you don’t watch porn do you have shame around your secret fantasies? Is there a disconnect between your fantasies and turn-ons and your morality? For the record, many women who do watch porn are not watching the politically correct, feminist-friendly porn made for women. They are watching the same hard-core stuff as the guys. Wow.


Studies show that what turns women on is different to what they wish turned them on or how they politically feel about it. There is a paradox in the brain that women have to wrestle with.

-Ogi Ogas, neuroscientist


Oh, the complexity of the female brain. Some women, myself included, have fantasies that involve rape, sadism, humiliation and domination. In the BDSM scene it’s not uncommon for men and women to engage in rape-play and in consensual non-consensuality. But not all women who enjoy watching hard-core porn, reading smut and fantasizing about being raped secretly wish to act it out—most don’t. Regardless of whether rape-play lives in your head or is part of your Saturday night play date this does not make you any less of a feminist; any sane person despises REAL rape and sex crimes.


It’s no wonder so many women find their secret fantasy life perplexing. How can I oppose patriarchal dominance, be a good Christian, feminist, mother or teacher and be turned on by erotic rape fantasies? For whatever its worth, data suggests it’s natural to have a naughty nature. You can still cling to whatever label you love and cherish. And maybe, take a leap with me here, it’s healthy to explore the forbidden instead of pretending it doesn’t live in you.


“Current research indicates that between 31% and 57% of women have fantasies in which they are forced into sex against their will, and for 9% to 17% of women these are a frequent or favorite fantasy experience. Erotic rape fantasies are paradoxical: they do not appear to make sense. Why would a person have an erotic and pleasurable fantasy about an event that, in real life, would be abhorrent and traumatic?”


If hard core isn’t your thing, not to worry; women have a firm grip on the production reins in porn. Here are the feminist porn awards for 2015.


Turned off by the sexual objectification of women? Fed up with the modified for men, porn-star Barbie body? Fear not, there are female filmmakers producing provocative porn just for you!


Recent porn statistics confirm women watch porn. Though I think it’s evident with the phenomenon of Fifty Shades of Grey that women still read their porn more often than watch it. Rape scenes were ubiquitous in the romance novels of the 70s and 80s, but the literary world has wagged their feminist finger, Tsk-tsk. No more rape. So have readers moved elsewhere to find their fix?


I embrace my turpitude and yours but do send you off with this caveat: Be careful out there. I managed to lock up my browser and put my credit card on fraud alert “researching” this blog and truth be told, watching monster porn.


Ladies, I’m curious do you watch porn or read smut? If so, what kind of porn turns you on? Please be kind and leave your comments below.

Bella’s Also On:

elephant journal & SoundCloud

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Showing 2 comments
  • Alsace

    Dear Bella,

    Great article! So good to read a women being honest and open about these fantasies, it conforms what I have heard before from other women including my mother. My own fantasies include incest, shemales and beastiality. Such as my brother forcing him on me while I struggle hard and then when he leaves me I secrety love it and pleasure myself to what just happened, hoping it will happen again… :$

    Thanks again for your article and letting me share,


    btw: can’t believe no-one else has commented on this!

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